Slowly does it!

Hello blog readers.

At the moment I am writing this from my university dorm room. I have been at uni for a little over a couple of months at the moment. It has been a very mad couple of months! At first I was very overwhelmed with the idea of being here and found it all too overwhelming - the mad partying and alcohol fuelled nights are very different to the slow "getting myself together" year I had filled with yoga and eating right etc etc. I suddenly felt a bit out of control.
But I am learning as time has progressed that I CAN handle it, even if it is tricky or i'm not doing as much as I think I SHOULD be doing I AM here. And that in itself is a massive achievement. I need to remind my ego sometimes to just hush for a little while.
So I am finding I am managing to find a balance to my day, getting enough rest to go out some nights, and other nights REALLY needing to stay in. And yes it is frustrating and I do cry, but that's ok. I just let myself feel the pain and the emotion and enjoy what I can of the next day.
My ultimate quest is to find balance and peace within myself, gaining all of my energy back. I know this will take patience and determination, but somehow I feel I am nearly there.
I am reminding myself that sitting back and doing things slowly is ok. There is no need to rush.
I found this music on youtube which is so relaxing, I recommend you give it a listen:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lwzek1Dau78

Peace and love to you all.

Why i like lieing on a prickly mat..

Recently, i have just bought an acupressure mat, having seen them being used on Youtube videos.
I thought i would give it a go!
I got a Yantra Mat which i ordered off Amazon, and i think it cost around £30.
You can find them here.

Having had no previous of acupressure i didn't no what to expect from this mat.
I can honestly say it is the best thing i have ever bought!
I lie on it for 10 -15 minutes before bed. At first it was a very weird experience and mildly uncomfortable, but you do get used to it. It really helped me destress, and at the end of the day when i need to wind down, my body just relaxes and i feel all the anxiety just lift. It also really helps me to sleep better. I recommend to everyone that you try it!

10 lessons i have learnt over the past year!

Hello wonderful blog readers.

I am in a bit of a reminiscing mood of late, having had a great holiday in Barcelona in June which boosted my confidence tremendously and was a real achievement for me, having been the first long holiday away from home in over a year. This time last year i had just burnt myself out and was in an extremely BAD way!

I had to cut my trip short however after coming down with a virus that involved a really high temperature and a nasty stomach! I think it was my body's way of saying that i needed a rest. 

I am off to uni in September to Newcastle which is a massive deal for me! I am very nervous, but i trust myself and know my boundaries, so we will just see how it goes!

I would like to share with you all some of the lessons i have learnt from going through this life changing illness this past year:

1. Appreciate NOW! 

As i am starting to feel i am coming out the other end of this experience, i can honestly say i have a huge appreciation for life now. Before i got ill, i just wanted time to PASS, to be done with my A Levels, to be at uni, to be enjoying myself! Consequently i rushed around, stressed my body out completely overworking myself for my exams, and using 200% of my 100% energy tank! I had no more fuel in my engine and i stopped working! Throughout this year, i really had to teach my body to relax, and to not run away from the moment that is NOW, even if i was feeling like death and really not enjoying the moment! Through this simple approach to life, my body began to relax and HEAL.

2. Be your own best friend

When i first burnt myself out, i just wanted everyone to understand! I was so frustrated that noone could feel how i felt and i just didn't have the words to explain what being "wired and tired" felt like! I had to learn to stop searching outside for answers, and look deep inside myself. Through cultivating a calm, friendly peaceful place in my soul, i began to make friends with my body and myself instead of pressing my self destruct button! It is extremely difficult, and definitely a bit of a lonely journey. The STOP lightning process definitely helped me to cut out some negative thought patterns, but the happiness and contentment i am starting to feel in myself is well worth the effort!

3. Let your body lead

I think for me, this illness really really scared me. When i first became ill i thought to myself how on earth i would ever recover!! It just seemed impossible. My whole life felt like it was slipping away from me and it was meant to be just starting! I realised right then and there that instead of focusing on what i had to do, i just needed to completely take the pressure off and i gave myself this whole year to recover. I had time, i had space, and i didn't have a deadline or anything that i had to do! Resting and relaxing was hard for me as before i got ill i was a very active person. I now understand that it is essential in recovery and i really let my body lead now, instead of my mind!

4. It is not the doing that exhausts, it is the trying

Before i got ill, i tried so hard at everything that i did. In my studies, in my exercise regime, in my social life - in everything! I wanted to be bigger, better, faster, fitter.. I am now ok at just being! I don't try to be anything anymore, i just relax into the fact that i am present and that things will turn out the way that they will, and i have complete trust that life will take care of the rest. So when i go for a walk now, i don't compete with myself or get competitive, i just evaluate my energy and do what i can.

5. Who cares what people think!

Before i got ill, i was just so concerned with what everyone thought of me and i had low self esteem as i didn't think i was good enough in comparison to everyone else. Consequently i overworked my body in an effort to be good enough and burnt myself out. I now don't care what others think, and its just so good to feel like that! I live my life for myself now and not for other people's approval, which has definitely been a bit of a revelation!

6. What doesn't kill you will only make you stronger!

This illness pushed me to the edge of what i thought i could stand, and there were some moments at the beginning where i just didn't think i could get through the day! I felt so so low and desperate. However, having embraced my situation, practising yoga and a good diet and being compassionate to myself, i found that i cultivated this strong sense of love inside myself. I now believe that i can really face anything in my life now, and i think the illness was mabye a gift to my body in the way that it really made me evaluate the whole of my life, and what really is important!

7. Do what you LOVE

I have always been an emotional person, and especially after glandular fever my emotions were all over the place. I was just so emotionally drained by school and physically drained by working out all the time and constantly PUSHING. I now understand that life really is too short and i surround myself with positivity now and what i love. This year i have found i have a passion for all things involving health! I love Yoga, and go two or three times per week. It really helps my anxiety and helps me feel centred and calmer. I also enjoy reading, and surround myself with love and positivity, fuelling my love of life every day. Meditation has also completely spiritually transformed me, and i now feel very comfortable being myself, as well as having the knowledge that i have the power to control my reaction to situations now, not using up all of my resources on emotionally draining situations.

8. I do not have to BE anything. I already am what i need to be.

Before i got ill, i had massive expectations that i was never good enough. I think this was partly due to the fact that i was surrounded by high achieving people at my school and i was also suffering from the after effects of glandular fever which i was just ignoring.. fighting through tiredness, as i believed it was just a sign of weakness. I wanted to be the best and i accepted nothing less. I now know that all along my body was screaming at me to STOP and relax, off which i wasn't very good at doing! I now know taking time out to just be and relax is crucial in my everyday life in order to stay balanced and calm.

9. Belief is a powerful thing

The way that you live your life is essentially all down to what you believe in. I have changed many of my beliefs this year. I now believe that i am whole and more than enough just as i am and i do not have to prove or be anything else other than myself. Before i had constant anxiety that being myself was not good enough and i just pushed 200% of my 100% energy that i had until i had none left! I also believe that i can get through anything. At the start of the year i believed it wasn't possible to get better, but by slowly changing my thought patterns i have really been able to change my health. I also believe that everything, no matter how bad, will be ok if you remain spiritually centred within yourself.

10. Failure brings success

Essentially, i think i needed this failure in order to move on with my life. I think i just wanted some acutally! (Obviously not to this extent!) But subconsciously, i couldn't keep up the pace of life i was living, and i needed to admit that i could not live the pace of life i had before glandular fever, and so i needed to admit defeat for a while. This was very hard for me to do. My ego was bruised and as a positive "get on with it" person, not being able to walk down the street is frankly terrifying! I had pushed myself into a wall which said STOP. So i failed. Yet out of this failure has sprung a new lease of life, and a whole new meaning to my purpose of existing, which really is a gift i am thankful for.

If you have any life lessons you have learnt through your experience you would like to share, feel free to comment.

New adventures!

Sorry i haven't posted in a while. I have been in Barcelona for a month on a spanish course! I just arrived back yesterday. I'm a little tired from it but not exhausted and i LOVED being away from home and meeting people! That in itself gave me energy. The city itself is beautiful - the architecture, the people, the language, the culture and food.. i could go on! 
Before i left though i was so so nervous.. how would i cope? Would it all be too much? I shed a good few tears saying goodbye to my parents at the airport and then boarded the plane to Spain. It was ironic in the sense that i had wanted to travel the whole year  and experience some freedom away from my parents and god damn independence but i really was not well enough. (I did travel to South Africa on a flight last year however i fainted on the way back, definately setting me back a while!) S
However i knew in my heart that it would be good for me..i felt i was ready. I had phonecalls with the OHC practitioners before and i explained my anviety. My practitioner is really good at calming me down and told me to just see the whole thing as an adventure.. so that is what i did!

I managed to meet some amazing amazing people from all over the world, some of whom i think will be lifelong friends they are so nice! It was so refreshing to socialise after being at home for so long with this frustrating illness! The spanish classes were for four hours a day so were quite tiring and i definitely had to pace myself and take some early nights, however i found i did have the energy and resources to go out a couple of nights a week, which was so NICE! The nightlife was awesome and Barcelona beach is perfect. The weather i think also did me some good and i just found i truely lived in the moment and just RELAXED! Obviously there were some difficult moments where i had to be really nice to myself and take it easy. I am not pushing or trying anymore i just LIVE.

Below are some photos from my trip:

A proper diet - hints and tips :)

In recovering from chronic illness, diet is so important! 

One of the positive things that has come from this year is that i have discovered i am a massive foodie. I love food!! I love cooking, and in december i went on a cooking course for a week in Putney in london where i met some wonderful people. I find cooking calms me down, and quietens my mind and most importantly has boosted my confidence and kept me mentally sane during times where i was bored out of my brain!

Before i got ill, my diet was relatively poor given the amount of stress i was under with my exams. I was living off a gazillion cups of tea and Special K mini bites which are PACKED full of sugar! My blood sugar was out of control, creating more anxiety and stress!! I now understand when i am stressed, that eating properly is fundamental. 

Here are some tips from me on my diet that i have followed:

1. The MOST important thing i found is controlling blood sugar levels, so protein with every single meal was absolutely key for me. I also ate fish every single day (smoked mackerel on gluten free bread). Fish is proven to boost endorphins in the brain and increase happiness, decrease anxiety and is protein rich! So personally, i found a fish rich diet really beneficial. 
2. Cut out gluten! Gluten is proven to be a stress on the digestive system, so by cutting out gluten i found that my digestive issues eased a lot. It was hard at first, but after a while i got used to it. I recommend gluten free oatcakes as a snack, and "Genius" gluten free bread (this can be bought from most supermarkets).
3. Eat your greens! I try and eat as much fruit and veg as i can with every meal. It is so beneficial and energising. 
4. Cut out caffeine! This was literally so hard for me to do! But there are definitely a lot of good herbal teas out there, and the last thing you want is a caffeine high stimulating you when you are tired and wired!
5. Cut out alcohol! So hard i know, but obviously not great for your system having a lot of this. But the odd glass of wine will not hurt! We DESERVE it.
6. Keep hydrated! Drink as much water as possible, it is calming for your nervous system and your body needs it!

As i am getting better,  i am indulging a little bit more and have the odd desert and non-gluten free slice of bread now and then! I think i find it important not to become too OCD with the whole thing and let myself go now and then. 

I had a nutritionist with the Optimum health clinic, however i found this too pricey to keep going. I do recommend getting one if you have just crashed or are tired and wired and your digestion is a bit haywire, as they can recommend good supplements to calm everything down.

“Let food be thy medicine and medicine be thy food”  ~Hippocrates

Tough days and how i deal with them

Today has been a bit of a rubbish day. I woke up and instantly felt very tired and sleepy, and I knew that today was going to have to be a down day. At the moment I am tucked up in bed, listening to the rain fall outside which is really comforting.

On days such as these, my positivity is tested to the limit. My real pit, that I sometimes fall into is having anxious thoughts such as “How will I cope with this or that next week…” or “I thought I was doing well and now I feel really tired..”

I am learning, slowly, to just accept everything that is happening as life naturally unfurling itself. I read a really great book recently actually, called “The Invitation” by Oriah. The book is based on a poem, which is really beautiful and grounding, and spoke to me on so many levels. Mabye it will speak to you too:

The author herself had severe chronic fatigue syndrome, but has now recovered! You can read more about her here. This poem really reminds me of the inner strength that we all need to get through whatever we need to get through in our worst moments, and how being true to myself and evaluating my needs, my feelings, my thoughts and fears are so important to move forward when dips occur!  The stop process for me is also crucial I have found, I’m learning that having a down day is not the end of the world, and if I quieten my mind and notice the world unfolding silently and calmly around me, I feel much more present and powerful.

Most importantly I have found that self compassion is hugely important on down days. I had a habit before I got ill of wanting to be completely independent and conquering the world! However I now realise I definitely have my limits, and that is completely ok. It is ok to be vulnerable sometimes, it makes us more human and we are able to discover aspects of ourselves we would never discover otherwise. Sometimes, I like to write down a list of all the things that I am grateful for when I am struggling to be positive.

Here are just a few:

• My home
• My family
• My cat maple (who is meowing at me right now..he knows when it's dinner time!)
• My CD player
• The beautiful planet earth upon which i live.
• My bathtub!
• My friends

I realise all the love I have in my life, and somehow things don’t seem nearly as bad!

Why i can't get enough of yoga!

Recovery tip number two: YOGA.

When i first went on the 90 Day Programme and learnt about how yoga was meant to help people recover from this i thought to myself - seriously?! I can barely do anything and you want me to do a load of yoga?! But believe me, it does help a hell of a lot.

One of the main things i learnt in yoga, which can help tremendously to alter your state, is proper breathing. When i was in my "crash" and "wired and tired" state, i had an exceeding amount of anxiety and began to breath a lot out of my mouth, which is known as stress breathing! By learning to follow my breath, slowly listening to it entering and leaving my nostrils, feeling my abdomen rising and falling, i began to calm down and regain control thereby calming my whole entire nervous system down and looking at things from a very different, calmer perspective. If all you can do is breathing exercises - it is definitely going to improve your health!

I would recommend to you the "Beat Fatigue with Yoga" Dvd by Fiona Agonbar, and also her book Beat fatigue with yoga. It is very gentle yoga, specifically designed for people with fatigue or CFS and even in my worst stages, helped me so so much. Her voice is so calming and the postures are very grounding. If you are getting stronger and improving i would also recommend to you the dvd "Yoga for stress relief" which is available on amazon. It has the sea in the background and is so relaxing!

Yoga is proven to really help calm your nervous system, improve sleep, stretch out muscle tension and improve our circulation. Currently, i am strong enough to go to classes several times a week, and i cannot tell you how beneficial it has been to me! If classes overwhelm you, i would also recommend getting a private yoga teacher so you can go at your own pace and get the attention you need and you can make her aware of issues that you have.

When i do my yoga, i feel the stress and anxiety just leave me. I am caught up in the moment and the postures and i just do what i can, being compassionate towards myself and listening to my body's needs.  I am even considering becoming a yoga teacher one day (i am gonna need a bit more practice obviously)! That is how much yoga has influenced and helped me, and so i hope you give it a go!

Nameste.